Welcome to India, Obama!!


Dear Obamas,

Welcome to the most interesting nation on earth. I am sure you’ll take back a lot of good memories with you. First things first, you have been invited as a Chief Guest at the Republic Day celebrations and thanks for accepting our invitation. The Republic Day parade will leave you spellbound. You’ll get to see the cultural representations of our states, after which you’ll realize that it’s not the similarities that defines us but it’s our differences, our diversity that binds us. The bike stunts and pyramids by our police and Army are a visual treat. They are the Guiness World Record holders. Sadly though, your Hollywood hasn’t made a film on that yet. Once you’re done with the formalities in Delhi, please read these recommendations on the places to visit in India.

1. Hyderabad: Hyderabad is a must visit. You know why? Because just like Washington DC, Hyderabad too is the capital of USA (United States of Andhra). Ah, forget Telengana da. Telengana and Andhra are like your Mississippi and Missouri only. Unofficially United States of Andhra is your 51st state. But you guys seem to be content with rounding it off to 50. Your country has been generous enough to let everyone in from this part of India, irrespective of their proficiency in English. But they’ve given you Satya Nadella.

Things to do:

  • Every one will suggest you to taste Hyderabadi Biriyani but let me tell you it is hyped. Go for proper Andhra meals and demand Gongura Chutney. Don’t blame me for what might happen the next morning though.
  • Go meet a shy gentleman with the name ‘Vangipurappu Venkata Sai (VVS) Laxman’ who has the most incredible wrists in the world. You can even hire him to improve Cricket in your country.

2. Bangalore: Once you’re done with Hyderabad, get into KSRTC’s Bangalore-bound club class Volvo and you’ll reach the Garden City next morning. As soon as the bus enters the city limits, all you see will be the offices of companies that you normally see in the Silicon Valley. Yeah dude, this is the Silicon Valley of India. The city’s software engineers are the pioneers in offering 24*7 tech support to your companies and clients. We love our coffees and Kingfisher beers here. So, don’t be surprised at the countless Cafe Coffee Day outlets and pubs.

Things to do:

  • Make you way to the Mavalli Tiffin Room for yummy Masala Dosas, Bisi Bela Baths and filter coffees. Advise the attender to not add sugar to Sambhar.
  • Spend a night at Kingfisher Dude Mallya’s UB City. It’s a symbol of luxury. It’s a completely different image of India, to the one which you saw in Danny Boyle’s ‘Slumdog Millionaire’.

3. North Eastern India: It is the most neglected part of India. Yes, not even in the Indian Cricket team. North Eastern India consists of 7 beautiful states- Mizoram, Manipur, Meghalaya, Assam, Sikkim, Tripura and Arunachal Pradesh. The Chinese are more fond of these places than some of us. Ironically some folks end up at Gangtok (capital of Sikkim) after having mistaken it to be Bangkok. But the North Eastern India is quintessentially India. It’s people have the most liberal mindsets in the country. After your visit, most of us would come to know of it and would start to give them more importance.

Things to do:

  • Click selfies with young Buddhist Monks in Sikkim.
  • Meet Tripura’s Communist Chief Minister Manik Sarkar who leads the simplest of lives among all the politicians in the world. He’s the real Aam Admi.
  • Drive to Cherrapunji in Meghalaya. It receives more rainfall than all the 50 states of yours put together.

I would’ve suggested Tamilnadu but unfortunately ‘Jallikattu’ (our answer to Spain’s bull fighting) is banned. People who are against ‘Jallikattu’ cite that the animal is harmed but they have no issues with the existence of mutton and beef stalls. Also, there is no Thalaivar Rajinikanth film release in the next 10 days. So, I’d suggest you to come to Tamilnadu during your next visit. Yes, when Amma is back to her office. Take along Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Don’t go to Kerala too. You never know when they’ll call for a strike/hartal. To understand the ordeals of a hartal day, watch Fahadh Fasil’s film ‘North 24 Khatam’. Some of the Bars have been ordered to shut down. More over people there are busy with Kiss of Love campaigns and KM Mani. So, they’ll have no time for you. I’d advise you to check out any functional Kerala Samajams in either Philadelphia or Chicago.

As for the rest of India, there are so many tourist destinations but you can reserve them as part of your post-retirement plan.

So, enjoy your time here, Obamas. Click pictures, do a lot of check-ins in Foursquare, tweet your experiences and sum it up in a blog post. And what do we expect from you in return? Simple. Ease out the H1B visa approval process. Nothing else.

Thank you.

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